scared and confused

Scared and confused
wondering why us, why now
yes it can be worse
yes it can be managed
yes it just sucks
i don’t feel strong enough
but i have to be for her
i don’t want to tell her my fears
i don’t want to tell anyone
but it hurts to hold it in
i pray cause i need to tell someone
i know i should not worry or but rely on Jesus
i struggle with doing that everyday
sometimes i can forget or not think about it
but then i feel guilty for not thinking about it
i still don’t know enough about it
the things i read scare me more
i have trouble focusing on anything and the thoughts bounce around my head
work, worry, home, worry, sleep, worry, check, worry
plan, plan, plan
wondering why us, why now
scared and confused
Jesus is calling ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself…Trust me, and watch to see what I can do.’


My daugher’s story continued

Things calmed down somewhat but I don’t remember all the details.  We were to have a diabetes educator come in the next day to help us learn all we needed (to at least be able to go home).  Her initial level that day was 799 and I believe her A1C was 14.5 which meant she had been average 300-400 for the last 3 months.  This is all still new to be so please forgive me on terminology.

The next day the educator helped us to understand what was going on and we even started drawing the insulin and giving test shots on an injection cushion.  I actually started giving my daughter her shots that day too.  She gave herself one that evening.

We were moved out of PICU and into a regular room. The next day we learned how to use the pens instead on the syringes and we were discharged with some instructions.

Looking back (only about a week), I am still shocked how quickly things moved.  We only spoke to her diabetes endocrinologist once.

We are still working out dosages, I report them thru a website and the doctor/nurse can message me changes.  But my daughter is coping so amazingly well.  She likes to do her sticks and shots herself (I supervise and occasionally give one in the back of the arm). She like to figure out the counts and dosages, she loves math so that helps I’m sure.  She is just so brave and wonderful that it actually breaks my heart because this sucks.  She doesn’t deserve this and it’s forever.  I am scared for her but want her to live a live without the fear and with hope and it’s just so hard.  I pray for her and ask for others to pray for her.  I would take her place in a heartbeat but I can’t.